The Ten Commandments for the 21st Century

So, here I am in the midst of a bout of intense thinking, as per usual, and I start to wonder: "What would the Ten Commandments be like if they were written in the 21st century?" Not that the first draft of the commandments hasn't served us well and all, but nowadays you don't have to worry about Abraham from two cottages down stealing your ox. We have different problems these days, and I think an updated list is in order. So here they are-- the only 10 things you need to know in the 2010's:

1. Thou shalt not spam thy neighbor, less thou be solicited by a Nigerian prince.

2. Thou shalt not watch porn on a screen larger than 30".

3. Thou shall refer to porn as pr0n from this moment on.

4. A man must purchase a vehicle inversely proportionate to the size of his penis.

5. Thou shalt not bear false witness on their online dating profile, lest you spend your days in the company of multitudes of cats.

6. Thou shall wear the label of "douche bag" when speaking on a Bluetooth headset in public at an inappropriate level of volume.

7. If thou is pregnant, thou best fucking know it.

8. When uttering the word "guido", let it be known the proper pronunciation is "p-r-i-c-k"

9. Reality television must never mimic genuine reality.

10. Each adult in the free world must purchase a piece of paper that costs one right arm, one left leg, and first born son. This paper is called a "mortgage".

Oh yeah, I should probably mention just in case, killing is still bad too. Sorry, folks.